Because I Care

Because I Care

                                            Rollin Rhodes PhD

Joseph, what do you think you’re doing?” Evelyn asked harshly, confronting him in the nursery.  ‘’Clara may only be a few days old, but it’s still important for us to establish a routine for her.  We are parents now; we need to raise her correctly.  The plan is for her to be breastfed on a schedule. You’re waking her too early.”

“It’s okay, Evelyn,’’ he said, backing away from the crib.  ‘’She looked like she was smacking her lips, and I just wanted to hold her for a while and make sure she was comfortable,” responded Joseph, speaking quietly and avoiding Evelyn’s direct glare.

“Just because you think she’s gorgeous doesn’t mean that it’s okay to spoil her,’’ Evelyn pronounced, hands on her hips, leaning close to his face.

Evelyn stood directly over Joseph as he held baby Clara.  She reached out her hands, and Joseph reluctantly handed the child over.  She had a stern but triumphant expression, nodding her head at his compliance

Here we go, Joseph thought.  I was afraid of this, he heard his mind warn, as his jaw muscles stiffened. I’ve got to lighten up the mood. We need to enjoy Clara.

Joseph approached Evelyn and spoke earnestly. “Honey, look at what we did, what you just did! We just got through another night in our own home after you delivered baby Clara.  Isn’t she beautiful?” asked Joseph, proud and amazed at the same time

I just worry about her, Evelyn thought, unable to sleep.  I get up several times during the night while Joseph is asleep, and check on Clara to make sure she is okay.  I’m not sure what I’m afraid of.

Through Clara’s early years, Evelyn and Joseph continued to pursue their contrasting parenting styles.

“Joseph, let’s go to the den where we can be alone,’’ Evelyn directed as she cleared his breakfast dishes from the table.

‘’It is time you and I had a serious discussion.  Clara is old enough now that it’s time for me to return to work.  You can continue working from home as a data entry specialist. That’s no problem. ‘’ Her tone was apprehensive, and her body appeared rigid, sitting upright, her shoulders slightly raised.

‘’Sure,’’ Joseph answered, relaxing as he realized that this was a nonthreatening topic.  Better her than me, he thought.

‘’I spoke with my old boss today, the Director.  He offered that if I return to work within two weeks, I will be rehired as a Senior Supervisor in the Child Welfare Compliance Department, “ she announced.

‘’Are you sure it’s time?” he said hesitantly, with a puzzled expression.

‘’Actually, I’m as certain as I can be.  I realize that you can’t have a full-time job and be a full-time day parent.  I have looked into several child day care facilities that have good reputations.  I think you can have Clara spend probably a half day there while you get some work done.  What do you think?”  she said, almost pleading.

‘’I think I’m proud of you, honey. We can make this work,’’ he said reassuringly as he hugged her.

Despite her confidence in returning to work, Evelyn’s free time was preoccupied by her concerns.  Driving home from work, her thoughts continued uninterrupted.  Now that I’m not there with her full-time, I worry about making sure Clara is okay.  I have to be certain Joseph is feeding her healthy meals, and when they go shopping, I have to make sure she gets home safely.  Sometimes I feel a little guilty about having to get on her, but I’m absolutely certain firmness is necessary as a parent.

As Clara was completing her first year in grade school, Evelyn summoned Joseph to the den.

‘’You know, in some ways I think our plan is working out.  Clara is doing very well in school, and the teacher states that she is at the top of her class.  Things are also going beautifully for me at work.  I think I’m good at what I do.  The supervisor role fits me well personally.  You seem to enjoy working remotely, and I can see from the bank deposits that it is also going very well financially. However, there are issues that I am uneasy about,’’ she fretted.  She attempted to sit, but her knees bounced, and her fingernails drummed on the table.  She began pacing.

‘’So, what are the issues ?”  Joseph asked uneasily, avoiding eye contact.

“To tell you the truth, there are some things I think you need to double down on,’’ she said, in an emphatic tone. I think, as first-rate parents, it is our duty to be absolutely certain that we raise a child in a structured, disciplined way so she can be successful as an adult. I worry that, in some areas, we are failing.  She has a habit of not showing up for meals on time.  She does not seem to understand the importance of limiting her TV time.  She prefers to choose what to wear during the day, rather than what we lay out.  I worry at night about some of her friend choices.  We may need to orchestrate some of that.’

That’s not at all how I see it, he thought, as his mind raced.  I think she’s a delightful child who is happy and affectionate.  She is sometimes very self-determined, and I like that.  I think it is healthy.  At the same time, I can’t afford to get into a big brawl with Evelyn.  I know where that goes.

‘’Actually, Evelyn, I see Clara as doing very well.  However, I will pay close attention to your concerns and make sure we are the best parents we can be.  Okay?”

‘’I knew you would understand,” she said confidently, marching from the room.

As Evelyn picked up Clara from an after-school activity, she began to talk seriously as she drove carefully through heavy traffic.

‘’Now that you’re a big high schooler, you probably think you’re old enough to start dating.  You need to know that there are going to be some rules.  I have a copy of last year’s annual with pictures.  Before you date anyone, I need to check them out, even if it's a soda after school,’’ Evelyn pronounced, with her spare hand holding Clara’s arm tightly.

Why aren’t you answering me, Clara?” she asked, as she suddenly pulled the car into an empty lot.

‘’None of my friends’ moms have those kinds of rules,”  Clara whispered, staring out the window.

‘’Maybe they just don’t have good parents; you think about that?”  growled Evelyn as she pulled away.

A few weeks later, Evelyn asked Clara to go to the den.

Evelyn turned off the TV and positioned a chair directly facing Clara.  ‘’Christmas break is coming up soon, and you’ve had several months in high school now.  I think you’ve been showing a pretty uppity attitude at home lately.’’

“Why do you say stuff like that, Mom?” pleaded Clara, sinking deeper into the couch, tightly holding her arms around a cushion in her lap.

“After the PTA meeting last week, I had coffee with a few of the other moms.  They talked about some of the disgusting things their children have been up to.  You need to know, you’re not going to be one of them,’’ she announced in a threatening tone.

‘’I have a new set of rules. Today, I read the list of extracurricular activities.  I think you should drop out of the debate club; I’ve heard the kids sometimes lie about their parents.  There is a business class, and I think that would be good for you.  You need to let me read over any projects you write before you turn them in. I don’t want you embarrassing us.’

“I hate business. I’m no good at it.  I’m just going to look like a big failure’’ Clara complained in a voice much louder than her usual tone.

“GET OVER IT,” Evelyn commanded.

“Hop in, Clara,’’ Evelyn ordered the next day, opening the car door and gesturing toward the front seat. ‘’I’m picking you up from school today because I’m taking you to my hair stylist.  That kinky ‘do’ you’ve been wearing lately is unbecoming and speaks poorly of our family.’’

’I like my hair, and so do my friends.  You just want me to look like an old lady, like you,” she accused.

“Don’t you EVER speak to me in that tone again,’’ Evelyn shouted. ‘’You’re asking for it, young lady.  This morning I noticed that my perfume bottle wasn’t where I set it down.  Bad behavior has consequences.  There will be no TV for you tonight.’’

As Clara continued in high school, they had days of crises over parenting issues and expectations for Clara’s compliance with her mother’s rules.

“What is that gook you have all over your face?’’  Evelyn demanded, blocking Clara from leaving for school.

Clara refused to answer, as she compressed her lips and narrowed her eyes in defiance.  The same makeup all my friends wear, she thought.

“You take that stuff off RIGHT NOW!’’ she demanded.

No sweat.  My friends will share, she thought defiantly.

As Clara approached her senior year in high school, Evelyn began to confide in Joseph as they pulled up the bedcovers and turned out the light.  Her expression was pensive, and she spoke in a confidential tone.

“You know, I’m sure sometimes you think I’m being extremely stern with Clara.  It’s not that I want to be a micromanager; it’s not that at all.  What’s going on with me is that I have these terrible fears about things turning out badly for Clara and that it will be our fault, mainly mine.

Evelyn raised her hand as a signal to pause the conversation.  Her eyes appeared somewhat glazed, and she stared at the ceiling.  She then took a deep breath, opened her eyes wide, nodded her head, and it was apparent she had come to a major decision.

‘’Joseph, I never talked to you in detail about my childhood.  It’s not pretty.  My friends said my parents were easy-going.  The reality is, they didn’t take their responsibility seriously.  They were far too permissive; they set almost no boundaries.  When my older brother started experimenting with drugs, they scolded him when they really should’ve stepped in.  I never felt like they cared, not as much as they should have.  He got into some really heavy stuff.  He and I were close, and it was so painful to see him disappear as a whole, functional person.

She paused again and spoke hesitantly in a hoarse whisper.

‘’You’re aware that my brother died young; I’ve never told you the whole story.  The summer after high school, on a camping trip with his friends, he overdosed and died.  When that happened, something in me died too.  I never got over it.’’

Now I understand, thought Joseph.  It’s not that she’s controlling. She has reasons to fear that horrible things can happen if parents don’t take their responsibilities seriously. I also see that I can’t change her. That’s way out of my control.

‘’You’re BUSTED’’ her mother yelled loudly as Clara entered the front door, home from cheerleader practice. You left your diary out, which was really stupid.  I read what you said about me.  I’m sure you’re telling your friends the same vicious lies.  You are having control!”

‘’You don’t know how good I am.  Sometimes I think I should show you what bad behavior looks like.  I’ll show you ‘Out of control,’’’ Clara sobbed as she ran to her room, slamming the door loudly.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take, Clara thought. I’m starting to get really fed up. Why is she so hateful?  I’ve got to hold out until graduation.  I think college will save me, she prayed. I’m afraid to have any friends over because they’ll see what Mom’s like. Maybe I can just spend more time at their houses.  They have some good parents, and I can pretend like I’m part of their family, not mine. I would talk to Dad; I know he would understand, but she would figure it out right away, and he would be in trouble, just like I am.  That won’t work, she reasoned.

The next day, the school counselor spotted her standing alone in a closed doorway with an empty stare on her face. “Honey, let’s you and I talk a second, in my office, okay?’’

“You’re not OK, are you?’’ concluded the counselor.  ‘’You can talk to me.  I never repeat what I hear. I promise.”

‘’It’s my Mom!’’ Clara gushed, feeling an internal dam suddenly burst. ‘’She is so BOSSY.  I get so mad inside, and I’m terrified that I might lose it.  That would be horrible.  I feel down all the time, and I seem to only think about negative things, not nice stuff.  I’m tired all the time, like I just have no energy left.  I have some kind of attitude, and I get grouchy even with my friends.  The other day, as I was walking up to the house, my throat got tight, and I couldn’t swallow.  All of a sudden, I couldn’t get a breath.  My chest was so tight it hurt.  I felt a strange feeling, like nobody can feel this bad and live.  I felt like the world was about to end.’’

‘’Have you thought about seeing a therapist?  I believe that you just told me that you’re depressed and that you’re having panic attacks.  I think it would be good for you,’’ said the counselor, showing deep concern.

‘’PLEASE.  You said you wouldn’t tell Mom; you promised, you promised.”

“Yes, I did. You’re right; I promised.’’

‘’You know, I have one good friend that I talk to a lot.  I can tell her anything’’ offered Clara.  ‘’Sometimes her mother can tell that I’m having a bad day, and we talk for a while.  It helps to have somebody who cares and listens, even if it's a woman. She helps me with how I look at things, sometimes.’’

“I’m glad to hear that, Clara.  I feel a little bit better about you having some support,” said the relieved counselor.

“Tell you what; let’s do this; let’s meet privately here in my office twice a week during your study period.  I think you need somebody to talk to.  Your mom doesn’t need to know. You need to let go of some of that anger, and you need to stop turning it against yourself,’’ she advised.

‘’OK I can do that,’’ Clara agreed, suddenly seeing a small ray of hope.

I feel lighter.  WOW.

Just as Clara was beginning to feel more hopeful, Evelyn announced, ‘’Clara, college registration starts tomorrow.  We’ll need to leave early to get there by noon.  I plan on walking through with you,’’ Evelyn announced.

‘’MOM. I’m an adult now, remember?’’ Clara protested.

“I don’t trust you.  Your Dad and I will only pay for your tuition, room, and all that if you agree to major in business.  Someday we may need your help.  It’s important that you understand finances,’’ Evelyn reminded her.

‘’I want to be a writer.  I want to take courses in literature, creative writing, history, and psychology,’’ Clara protested.

‘’At a minimum, you will take the required freshman courses and also accounting and economics classes,’’ Evelyn decreed.

I’ve already talked to my friend’s mom, Clara thought.  She knows a lot about college courses.  She says if I think I’m up to it, I can take a double major.  I can add more classes after Mom leaves.  That will be a lot of hours; that’s the answer.  I hope.

Shortly after she had enrolled in her college classes, Clara called her Dad for advice.

‘’Dad, I’m only two weeks into the semester, and I can see this just isn’t doable.  I’m taking either three or four hours every day of the week.  Homework keeps me up until after midnight, and sometimes I don’t even get a few hours of sleep.  There’s no time to eat, and I’ve already lost ten pounds so far.  If I enjoyed every course, maybe I could stick it out.  The problem is, I just HATE those business courses,’’ Clara declared.

“Clara, go back to your dorm right away.  Try to get some rest.  I’m coming up tomorrow morning, and I’ll meet you in the library at ten.  I’ve got some ideas about where you can go from here.  We’ll talk,’’ her Dad said in a reassuring tone.

‘’Hey honey,” her Dad said as he walked into the library, his face clearly showing his concern.  “Don’t take this wrong, but you just don’t look good.  I can see it in your face, and even the way you walk.’’

They hugged deeply.

‘’I’ve been thinking, really hard, about your next steps,’’ Joseph confided.  ‘’So, I talked to a good friend of mine.  He has a big business here in town, and he offered to hire you at a pretty good salary.  Mom controls the checking account and has the credit cards.’’

“What about Mom?”  Clara asked, her voice quivering and her hands trembling.

‘’You and I both know she’ll be furious.  I’ll handle it.  I’ll take responsibility. I’ll tell her that I ordered you, for your own health, to quit school.  We know it’s not going to be pretty,’’ he warned earnestly.

The stress is costing me; I know it, he thought fearfully.  Last night I had to stay away from Evelyn because I felt some numbness on my right side and my speech was a little slurred.  I had trouble with my balance and couldn’t walk real straight.  I can’t afford to do that, he thought fearfully, sitting quietly on the couch, remaining still and hoping she didn’t notice.

The next day, Clara answered the phone even though she saw that it was from her mother.  She felt her heart beginning to pound, and her throat tightened.

‘’Girl, you get your behind back in class, right NOW.  No daughter of mine is ever going to defy me,’’ she screamed so loudly that her voice was distorted over the phone.

“Mom, I tried.  I can’t do it, I just can’t.  Please don’t be mad.  I’m okay.  I’m going to make it work.  I’ve got a job now, and I’ll start classes again next semester, but you gotta know it won’t be in business classes,’’ said Clara, her voice quivering.

‘’If you choose to disobey me, you should know that you choose for us not to speak until you show good sense again,’’ announced her mother.  ‘’Call me when you re-enroll in the correct classes.  Goodbye.’’

Good grief, Clara thought.  Why am I not sad?  Why do I feel better?  she wondered.

Time to catch up with Dad again, she thought the next week, as she called him at home.

‘’You had a great plan, Dad.  Things are working out well.  Your friend is a great boss.  I’m starting to make friends.  I took out a loan and bought a used car.  That will let me drive home once in a while, and I can meet with you where we won’t be seen.  Okay?”

‘’That sounds terrific.  How about we meet here at a spot I sometimes visit at the park.  We can meet every Saturday at noon.  Your mother has a group she belongs to, and she never misses their meetings.  That should work,’’ he offered excitedly.

‘’Great, Dad.  I love you so much-I couldn’t possibly get by without some time with you,’’ she said with enormous relief.

Clara’s job with her father’s friend went very well.  She felt competent and independent. She saved enough money to sign up for college courses of her choice.  She switched to part-time work, earning enough to pay rent and buy food while still making time for classes.  At the end of the semester, she called her father with great news.

‘’Hey Dad.  You’ll be happy to know that I finished my first semester with all A’s.  I’ll be on the Dean’s list.  I really enjoyed those courses.’’

‘’I’m so proud of you, Hon. I knew you could do it,” he said joyfully.

‘’One thing I have to mention, Dad.  I’m kind of afraid to bring this up.  One of the courses I took talked about trauma.  I found a good book in the library.  My gosh, Dad, I think I recognize some things about myself.  I’m so vigilant about other people; it’s hard to trust anybody.  I’m afraid they’re gonna start taking control and telling me what to do and then disappear.  I have bad dreams about that.’’

‘’I was afraid something like that could happen.  Yes, your confrontation with Mom and dropping out of school had to be hard on you,’’ he confided reluctantly.

‘’You know what else is funny?” she asked gently. ‘’I trust most men, maybe too much, but I find myself closing up around women, all women.  Right now, I have almost no female friends.  Is that odd?’’

“You know what I’m thinking?  I’m thinking that you’re smart enough to take that on as a personal project.  Over your lifetime, you’re going to need friends.  They will be an important part of your life.  Here’s what I see: look around at the other women you meet.  Pick one who seems either safe or the least scary.  Go very cautiously, but reach out a little.  You don’t have to trust; just be a little bit brave.  If that goes well, and you feel safe enough, you can reach out a little bit more.  At some point, look around for a second safe person you know and do the same thing.  I think over time, with some courage,  and maybe with some luck, you can find yourself learning to trust at least a little bit.  This may take you a long time, but I think it’s worth it.  What do you think?’’

“I knew you were smart, Dad, but I didn’t know that you were a shrink.  I think it’s a great idea.  I’ll get started on that today,’’ she said excitedly and with determination in her voice.

Clara enjoyed her classes and meeting new friends.

“Don’t you just hate it when the professor requires us to have group meetings to discuss topics we cover in class?  I have a lot to do, and this is a bit much’’ remarked the woman sitting next to Clara, as the Political Science class met, sitting around a large conference table.

“Actually, I look forward to this.  Having everyone discuss their own perspectives helps me understand what we are told in class,’’ Clara responded enthusiastically.

Who is that guy across the table?  Clara pondered.  Why is he looking right at me when he talks? she wondered.  She found herself squirming somewhat uneasily from his direct eye contact.

‘’I can’t help but believe that the political polarization we see around us is actually undermining, not helping democracy’’ he asserted.

Wow, he hit it on the head.  I think he summed up a really complicated mess in one short sentence.  I wish I knew how to do that, she thought wistfully.

‘’Hi,” he said as he approached her afterward, beaming widely.  “I’m Rick.  Don’t you love this class? he said enthusiastically.

She felt too stunned to respond immediately.  She was absorbed by her own thoughts; Damn!  He’s smart AND good-looking, she marveled. 

 “Hi. I’m Clara. Yes, Rick, I really like this class. You made some good points today,” she managed to respond.

‘’Thanks. See you next class,’’ he said over his shoulder, walking away.

Beautiful white teeth, she heard her inner voice exclaim.

She especially enjoyed the political science class. There he goes again, she thought, in the next class.  He acts like I’m the only other person in the room. 

‘’How about some coffee in the grill?  You got time?’’ he asked in a very enthusiastic tone, along with a slightly worried look on his face.

Over coffee, they discussed the topics the groups had covered.  They found themselves in sync on almost every topic.  Where they differed, he commented on her perceptiveness and originality.  She felt confirmed, as she had never felt in any prior relationship.

This feels special, she thought.  I feel so relaxed, and I’m having a ball.

Somehow, I feel like we’re connected.

‘’You know what, Rick?’’ she asked. ‘’I have an idea. I know a spot in the park where my Dad and I sometimes talk.  It’s so peaceful, and so quiet too,” she offered.

There, in the park, they found that conversation came easily.  They got to know each other better by talking about their hopes, dreams, and fears.

I never thought I would come even close to finding somebody who sees the world almost exactly as I do.  Somehow, I trust him, she realized.

After their second meeting in the park, he confided in her.

‘’You know, I never even imagined that I would meet someone with my weird sort of views of the world.  You are something special,’’ he whispered quietly.

I can’t stop thinking about him, she realized that night.  He’s filling my head up.  Is this what falling in love feels like?

Their three-times-a-week meetings continued, with both of them growing more comfortable.  She found herself confiding in Rick about the lifelong control issues that she had had with her mother and the crisis that resulted in a cutoff.

In the park, Rick was unable to sit still and found himself pacing, both nervous and excited at the same time.  His hands clenched and unclenched, and his voice sounded unusually strained.  ‘’I think the stars in the heavens must be guiding us.  You and I are somehow fated for each other.  Everything you said about your mother mirrors almost exactly the issues that I had with my father.  As a child, I couldn’t escape his control, but as an adult, I decided I didn’t have to take it any longer.  I talk with my Mom as often as I can, but I haven’t spoken to my father in years.’’

In time, they discovered they shared a number of traits, including a high sensitivity to any attempt to control them.  Both were independent and at times needed personal space.  There were trust issues: he with men, and she with women.  At some point, the similarities were so ironic they found themselves laughing loudly, then tearing slightly.

“You know there’s a rock band, The Who, that I think you’ll like playing this weekend.  It’s a little bit of a drive away from here, but I think it could be fun.  We probably should stay over that night.  What do you think?” he asked, having difficulty making direct eye contact, which was unusual for him.

She knew exactly what the invitation implied.

‘’Yes, I would LOVE to go’’ she gushed.

Their night together was magical, and each of them began seeing themselves as a couple, no longer two individuals.

In their next meeting in the park, they both KNEW. They grasped each other’s hands, and both nodded simultaneously.  A proposal and ring were simply formalities.  Not wanting the complications of inviting guests, they decided on a simple civil wedding, officiated by a local Justice of the Peace.

She told her father, who was jubilant. ‘’I understand why you kept it confidential,” he assured her.

“I knew it,” he exclaimed with confidence.  “Let’s meet.  I want to get to know him.  How about in the park tomorrow?” he proposed.

Clara’s reaction mirrored her father’s; I knew it, she echoed.

 A deep bond formed between  the three of them.  Joseph and Rick bonded in a classic father-son relationship colored with playful competitiveness.

As time went by, Clara and Rick continued to meet with Joseph, and they grew quite close.  They periodically updated him on their lives.

“Just to update you, Dad, I’m enjoying teaching literature at the junior college.  I’m also taking mostly night classes to get my doctoral degree in comparative literature.’’

“And I’m really enjoying the job you got me with your friend,’’ said Rick.  ‘‘I’ve even gotten one promotion. On my own, I’m developing a personal interest in government policy. Just like Clara, I’m taking night classes to get my master’s degree in political science.  My goal is to someday work in policy analysis,’’ said Rick. ‘’ Does that sound fancy enough?”

‘’I’m impressed by both of you; consider me a proud Papa,’’ he said with a broad grin.

His expression shifted, becoming much more serious. ‘’Rick, there is something on my mind; I have to get it out.  I know it’s a tough topic.  But I can’t help thinking about your father and the fact that the two of you don’t talk,’’ confided Joseph, speaking softly but earnestly, looking directly at Rick.

After a lengthy, awkward pause, Rick began to speak quietly.  “I used to think about it all the time, maybe constantly at first.  I think I’ve pretty well taught myself to tune that out.  It crosses my mind sometimes, and when it does, I get busy with something else.  Most of the time that helps.  But, yes, it’s something that won’t quite go away,’’ shared Rick, reluctantly.

‘’I haven’t mentioned this before, because I didn’t want to stir things up without checking with you guys,’’ said Joseph, speaking cautiously. ‘’ I sometimes see your father at the monthly Rotary Club meeting.  We’ve nodded at each other, but that’s it.  What if I try to strike up a conversation with him, just to feel him out?  If the door looks open, I can invite you to the Rotary meeting as my guest, and maybe you can start by shaking hands with him.  That could be a beginning.  What do you think?”

Rick’s face froze, and his jaw muscles tensed visibly.  “I’ve had so many horrible memories of him that I have a hard time getting my brain to even focus on what to do.  To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I even want a relationship with him.”

“Rick, if anybody in the world understands how you feel, that would be me, given my history with my mother.  Just the same, I think Dad has a good idea.  Take a small safe step and see what happens.  You don’t even have to be directly involved,” counseled Clara, speaking softly.

‘’Sure. What have I got to lose?” Rick said, his face a frozen mask.

‘’Rick, I made a point of sitting next to your father at this month’s meeting.  I mentioned to him during a break that I sometimes spoke with you.  He muttered something under his breath that sounded a lot like curse words.  He stood up so quickly, the chair nearly fell over, and he bumped into somebody leaving the room.  I don’t think it looks good,’’ Joseph shared sadly.

‘’I knew it,’’ Rick groaned, in a familiar family refrain.

As the marriage continued, Clara and Rick continued to learn to adapt to each other.

“You know, I think you are learning exactly what my boundaries are in terms of anything that feels like control issues’’ confided Clara.  ''To be perfectly honest, you still have a ways to go.  Sometimes I can see your bossy Dad coming out, and I just want to keep my distance.”

‘’Yeah, I thought so. So, nobody’s perfect,” he said defensively as he turned his back.

A ways to go, she thought again.

In a better mood, he welcomed her home the next evening, kissing her cheek lightly.  Is she mad at me for last night?  he wondered.

‘’Something happened at school yesterday that I need to tell you about,” she confided.  One of the other teachers suggested how I should present the next chapter.  The word ‘’Control’’ popped into my head, and I think I got very defensive.  I could tell right away that she looked hurt, and she refused to look at me at lunch.  Those old issues don’t go away so easy, do they?”

‘’That’s funny you should bring that up,” he said, looking relieved.  ‘’I’ve had something similar happen to me with a guy at work who was probably just being helpful.  I’ve been reminding myself to be careful about that lately.”

One night, Clara joined Rick on the couch. “You look really deep in thought.  So, what’s going on with you?”  she queried.

“You’re right,” he confessed. ‘’ I’ve been thinking a lot.  Why don’t we go out on the patio and talk some?  The sun is setting, and it looks beautiful.”

“I have a strange feeling I know where this is headed,’’ Clara stated as they watched the sun drop in the sky.

‘’Yes, you know me that well,” he said admiringly.  “It’s about our future.  You finished your degree in comparative literature, and you love teaching at the University.  I know you want to be department head someday, probably before retirement.’’

‘’Uh huh.  And you got your big ‘poly science’ degree, which got you that analysis job with the news network.  Congratulations, big guy.  So how long is it going to take you to be the Senior Director?” she challenged.

“Clara, you probably already know what I’m thinking.  I’m guessing you’re thinking the same thing.  I think we’ve accomplished our big goals.  I think we can afford to start looking around at the rest of our lives, and our priorities.  I really want to be a Dad, and I’m certain you want to be a Mom.’’

“You look awfully cute in that tight T-shirt and worn-out shorts,” she teased as she walked seductively back into the house, grinning slyly.

Two months later, Clara couldn’t wait to give her father the news. ‘’How would you like to be a grandfather?” she exclaimed excitedly.

Joseph was thrilled. ‘’You know I’m in a good position to help you guys out.  I want you to be able to take all the time you need off work, and I know that can be expensive.  This should be a happy time for all of us,” he offered.

‘’We’re fine, Dad. We’re fine,” she reassured gratefully, hugging him tightly.

The couple set aside a nightly ‘no TV’ time for sharing. ‘’You seem to be handling the pregnancy well, Clara,” Rick said admiringly.

‘’Right,” she concurred.  “A little morning sickness, and I think I get tired easily.  The other day, I had just an enormous craving for peach ice cream.  What’s all that about?”

Rick grinned, nodding happily.

When the day came, she urgently announced,  “He’s here-it’s time-hospital-NOW.”

As time passed, Clara enjoyed settling into a new routine.  ‘’I had no idea that I would enjoy being a Mom so much.  Little Jacob is a wonder.  I can’t stop staring at him.  Sometimes I imagine that he can understand what I say to him.  I know for certain that he can feel my love, cause he gives me that great big smile.  Or, who knows, maybe he’s just hungry,” she laughed. ‘’I don’t know; maybe I’ll just never go back to work.”

Rick smiled and shrugged.  “Fine with me.”

That evening, Joseph entered the house without knocking and walked straight to Jacob’s nursery. ‘’Evelyn knows,” he exclaimed.  “I don’t know how, but she found out.  She pinned me down this morning, and I had to admit it.  Funny thing was, she looked so happy.  I don’t remember seeing her look that pleased, ever.  We talked, a lot.  I had no choice; I had to tell her that I visit you guys regularly.  She wanted to know everything about your degrees, your jobs, whether you are happy or not, and what your plans are.  Everything.  She asked me- no, I would say begged me- to ask if you would be willing to meet with her.  She said to me, ‘I’m ready now,’ whatever that means.’’

“I’m ready too,’’ Clara said, feeling both relief and fear.  “It’s time,” she admitted reluctantly.  The thought I don’t trust her, I don’t trust her, continually ran through her mind.

With Rick watching Jacob, Joseph escorted Evelyn to the secret spot in the park, where Clara was waiting.

“I’ve missed you!’’  Evelyn gushed as she reached out to hug Clara.

Clara was astonished and felt somewhat overwhelmed.

I don’t remember her ever hugging me this closely.

Clara shared recent photos of Jacob and told funny stories about his emerging personality.  Evelyn looked entranced.

Evelyn became serious.  “You wouldn’t know, but I told Joseph many years earlier, when you were a child, that I was aware that I was overly stern with you.  But what I wanted to explain to him was that it was because I had this intense fear that somehow things could go badly for you if I didn’t parent you perfectly, and that whatever bad happened would be my fault.  I would do anything to keep that from happening to you.  I don’t know if you’ll ever understand, but I wanted Joseph to know that it was because I care.’’

“A friend from church helped me understand that I was grieving for you.  Over the last few years, I’ve understood more about why you distanced from me.  I am deeply sorry, Clara.  I wish I could do it over again; I wish I had another chance,” she said, her eyes glistening.

“I’ve grieved too, Mom.  Maybe we do have another chance.  You can have a daughter, and I can have a Mom.  Maybe we can learn to set the past aside and focus on the future.’’ Can I trust her around Jacob?  her mind clamored.

‘’I can have a daughter, son-in-law, AND a grandson.’’  Evelyn exclaimed joyfully.

Clara did not reconcile immediately.  There were ups and downs, and Clara had an enlightened thought: Now I understand more about why she acted the way she did, but understanding won’t erase what happened.

‘’What do you think, Hon?’’ speculated Clara. ‘’I see no sign of Mom going back to the old days where she had to be totally in control.  I feel comfortable with her being around Jacob.’’

‘’To me, it feels like we somehow formed a family, a family that works.  I never would’ve imagined,’’ he said with amazement.

‘’Our plan is working, sweetie. Jacob is a year old now, such a big little man. I’m pretty sure our next little monster is on the way.  I’ve got an appointment with the OB/GYN next week.  We should find out for sure.’’

Following her appointment, Clara greeted him with an announcement. ‘’OK. The results are back.  Jacob is going to have a little sister, and you’re gonna be Dad to a daughter.  What do you think?’’

“I feel blessed, truly blessed.  Again!’’

‘’You’re gonna think I’m nuts, but here goes.  I had a dream last night.  It didn’t feel like a dream; it felt totally real.  In my dream, our daughter was named Eve, and my mother was Eve’s godmother.  Can you believe?” she blurted.

‘’Sometimes dreams come true,’’ he remarked with a smile.

“ It’s your fault,” she heard her mother scream as she answered the phone.  “It’s because you got him so wrapped up in all your family business.  You should’ve let him be, and this wouldn’t have happened,” she screeched loudly.

‘’MOM!  What happened? What’s going on,’’ she gasped.

‘’He had a stroke, that’s what.  I couldn’t wake him up.  He was out cold.  I called the ambulance, and they took him to the hospital, where we are now.  The doctor just told me he suffered a stroke.  He can’t tell me whether he’s going to be okay.  You put too much on him.  He couldn’t handle it.  You should’ve known,’’ she hissed.

“Hang on, Mom,” she exclaimed.  ‘’I’ll be right there.”

Clara was allowed to visit her father in the ICU.  She was shocked that he was totally unresponsive.  The nurses looked at her with compassion, and one patted her on the back.

“Is he gonna be okay?” she asked one nurse desperately.

‘’I know we’re going to take good care of him.  He’s in the right place,’’ she replied compassionately.

Clara was overcome with grief to the point of being unable to function.  Rick took leave from work and devoted himself to caring for Jacob. Could this affect her pregnancy?  And what about little Eve? he agonized.

“Rick!  When I visited Dad today, he opened his eyes, blinked, and I saw a slight smile.  The nurses told me that he is coming around.  When the neurologist made her rounds, she let me know that a stroke scale indicates that Dad is beginning to show signs of recovery.

“Clara, I can see that your Dad’s progress is helping you to feel so much better.  I’m glad to see that.’’

“Yes, I feel so much better.  I’m beginning to pull out of my funk.  I’m so sorry that I couldn’t handle it better.  I realize how much I missed him.’’

“I talked to the neurologist today about Dad.  She wouldn’t really commit, but I think she’s telling me that he’s going to be much better now.  She made a comment about Dad that I totally didn’t understand.  She said something like, “given his history of neurological issues.”  She must’ve been thinking of somebody else, not Dad.  Anyway, she recommended that we start thinking about a nursing home, and she had one in mind that she thought would be a good fit for him.  I plan on visiting tomorrow and checking it out,” she shared.

“So how was the nursing home?” asked Rick later.

‘’The neurologist was right on.  I had a good feeling about it as soon as I started meeting everyone.  They seemed to be very caring, and the other residents looked well cared for.  I even heard some laughter at a TV show.  I made arrangements for him to move in at the end of the month.’’

‘’You know, Dad is amazing, just amazing.  He’s been there in the nursing home for two months now, and when I visited him today, he introduced me to a bunch of his friends.  I asked him if he thought he would eventually graduate to assisted living back home with Mom, and I could tell right away that his mood soured.  I actually think he would rather stay there.”

“I think that’s fine.  Back when he talked to you about helping us out financially during your maternity leave, he also reassured me that he had some big investments that had turned out well that he can draw on.  Evelyn has no control over that money. I think he can easily afford to stay in a nursing home if that’s what he wants,” shared Rick.

“You know, Rick, other than us, Mom has nobody.  She has no siblings, no other family.  Without Dad, she is not functioning.  She sits and stares at nothing all day.  I think she’s going to have to stay with us, if that’s okay with you.”  Clara confided.

“She’s family,” he asserted confidently.

The next week, Clara motioned Rick to the patio where she began speaking with intense anxiety.  “It’s happening,” she said.  “Mom is reverting.  I see some of the old control issues coming back.  I guess I just have to handle it.  We can’t abandon her,” she concluded sadly.

“Rick, it’s getting bad.  If I disagree with her, if I don’t do exactly what she tells me to, she gets irritated.  It was vague, but when I didn’t immediately clean the kitchen as she told me to, she reminded me that she had a substantial amount of money in her will for Jacob and Eve to attend college.  Why would she bring that up?  Why!’’

‘’Yeah, I’ve noticed the same thing; nothing like it used to be, but some of the control seems to be resurfacing.  I’ve learned some ideas at work.  Corporations sometimes have control issues just like families do.  I have taken workshops that focused on setting clear boundaries, collaborating without conflict,  and clear communication.  I think some version of that could apply to how you handle her.  You want to try?”

‘’I’ll try anything,’’ Clara assured him.

“Patio time,” Rick announced later that month as he led the way.  ‘’So, what do you think? How are things going?” 

“It’s slower than I would like, and there are ups and downs, but I definitely see Mom getting better.  I don’t know how much of it is your work strategies, my learning to be more patient with her, and maybe her being less overwhelmed with all the worry about Dad.’’

‘’Maybe all of the above,” he offered.

“Here’s an example of how she’s changing,” Clara offered.  ‘’She frowned, big time, while I changed Jacob.  The old Mom would’ve told me, ‘You’re doing that all wrong.’  Instead, New Mom said, ‘Can I help?’    That’s different, really different.’’

‘’It’s also great that Dad can visit us some.  It’s only for a short time, and having that medical assistant stay by his side is a drag.  I can tell how much he loves Jacob, and I love being able to see him too.  He and Mom seem cordial, so I guess we’ll have to settle for that,” she conceded.

“You won’t believe, Rick, what just happened with Mom today.  She talked with me about my pregnancy, and complimented me on how well I’m handling it.  I’m beginning to realize now that she has always loved me, from the very beginning.  I’m starting to wonder, maybe to hope, that she is realizing now how destructive her way of showing care was to a child.’’

‘’Love without respect for identity is control,” Rick pronounced.

‘’ She started talking about how happy she is that Eve is on the way and how much fun it will be.  When Jacob got upset and fussy, she picked him up, set him in her lap, and held him until he quieted down.  I couldn’t help but say, ‘Wow! How did you do that?’ and you know what she said?”

‘’What’d she say?’’

‘’She said, ‘It’s because I care.’’